It's interesting, because frankly I'm not entirely sure what I planned on accomplishing by starting another blog. I'm not necessarily the strongest person in terms of staying consistent when it comes to blog posts, or things of that nature. But due to the recent shitstorm of activities in my life, I felt like it could help me change my perspective on things.
Honestly, I had intended this first post to reflect on my recent accomplishments, and the brighter side of my life. But I wouldn't be doing myself justice without explaining the reason as to how I got here in the first place. Life has a mysterious way of teaching you life lessons that somehow aren't understood until after the fact, go figure. So let me give you a little background, and maybe you'll understand my perspective a little better...
I've always been a gamer, let's go ahead and throw that out there to start things off. I received a Super Nintendo from Santa at the wee age of 5, unfortunately St. Nick had no idea that that would reshape the way I lived my life from that point forward. I wasn't like most kids, I liked playing video games over going outside and playing football. I enjoyed waiting in stupidly long lines to get the newest game that was coming out, I loved paying sixty bucks for Donkey Kong Country 2, the list goes on and on. And while I'd love to discuss the amount of fun I had growing up through the different generations of consoles, there's a time and place for that. Long story short, I'm a nerd...Fucking deal with it.
Fast forward a decade or two... I'm in college, the competitive gaming scene as an industry has skyrocketed in popularity, and this magical game called League of Legends enters the scene. Millions upon millions of players registered, and next thing I know I'm part of the biggest competitive gaming scene the world has to offer. I practiced day in and day out, always keeping in mind that I had the potential to play with the absolute best one day, and there was nothing that could stop me if I put my mind to it.
LOL JUST KIDDING.
So, I meet this beautiful girl that I naturally fall head over heels for, and let me go ahead and clarify something up front for all of you who have never had the luxury of enjoying the "lust" phase of a relationship. You will literally lose sight of any and every fucking thing that you've been doing with your life up until that point. I'm not entirely sure why we work like that, and I'm not entirely sure if this is always the case, but for the love of God it wasn't certainly this way in my case. I loved this girl, a lot. Like, a lot a lot lol. So what's the first thing I give up to spend more time with her? Video Games. And normally, I'd probably suggest the same route of action to any male that was dealing with a girl of the caliber that I was dealing with, but hindsight is 20/20, right? Anyways, things are great, and the relationship is moving forward with each day becoming better than the last. Naturally, life was just waiting to punch me in the dick and complicate shit, so it did lol. She was moving away when she graduated, a few states away to be exact. Not like a 4-5 hour manageable drive, try a fucking 3 hour plane flight. And this is kind of when reality started to set in for me, in a multitude of ways. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the situation, but like, I've always had a "never give up" mentality and to be perfectly honest, I thought she was worth every bit of effort. Let's pay attention to the keyword here, "thought."
After the move, it really created a gap between us and while we managed it surprisingly well, I knew it was a ticking time bomb, which really fucking sucks to admit. God I hated the move so much, I'd just sit around and be sad even if there was realistically nothing I could do about it. I was still finishing school, and she was just moving on to a bigger part of her life, which I was always happy for. I always supported everything she did, literally everything. Even if I knew from the bottom of my heart that something was a stupid fucking idea, or had zero potential of success. Consequently, I thought it would be safe to assume I would be given the right respect. Yeah, no. I made mention that I'd really like to start playing competitively again, and that a up and coming team had offered me a position on their roster as well as an opportunity to be one of the faces of their community. God, I thought it was so cool, I was literally so excited to finally be a part of something bigger than myself in terms of gaming. And while I'm pretty sure that will sound dumb as fuck to a lot of people, I'm not sitting here shitting all over your hopes and dreams, so hear me out.
So, I'm sure you're sitting here wondering what her response will be, right? "I don't know, that's kind of a long shot, that's kind of dumb" Really? I mean don't get me wrong, I really appreciate honesty and the ability to be reasonable(for the most part), but that's what you have to say about something that I really enjoy doing? I just didn't understand, it's not like I intended on sitting my computer for the rest of my life pretending to be something I'm not, or pretending that I'd make it pro one day. It was actually the complete opposite, and it's just unfortunate that she was so fucking stupid not to understand that. It's a fucking HOBBY. Do you know what a hobby is? It's a set of activities/processes that generally allocate people into certain cliques based their respective behaviors. And here's where I'm probably going to get mad as fuck.
Let me be the first to tell you, that if anyone ever tries to stop you from doing something you really want to do, and enjoy doing, tell them to locate some train tracks and park themselves firmly on them until further notice. I didn't give a fuck that she didn't like that I played video games as much as I did, I was doing well in school, and it's my life to live. So fast forward a few months or so after the move, and shit just started moving progressively downhill. Everything was to blame on games, everything was to blame on distance, everything was my fault, everything sucked dick, everything this, everything that. GROW THE FUCK UP. From that point forward, and it really really hurts me to say this, but video games were the only thing that really brought me happiness day-to-day. It was my escape, it was the one thing I always had to turn too, it was the one thing that had defined my entire life since Santa brought me that Super Nintendo. And you, you took that away from me, you found a way to bring me down in ways that other people couldn't even begin to think about. God, I was a fucking wreck, I was in a constant battle with myself as to what I should do to better the relationship, as well as keep up with my practice. Honestly, I never thought I would have been put in such a shitty spot in my life, and it's taken me until now to really grasp that.
Don't worry, it gets better, trust me. So, things started to improve in the relationship, I was taking extra measures to fix self-flaws, and just be a better boyfriend. I was doing my best, I gave it everything I could. I destroyed myself financially, I put everything to the side for this girl, I literally did everything I could fucking think of, I honestly and truly did.
CURVE BALL.
Ready for this shit? The team captain of the team I still currently play for, made mention of the fact that we were in line for attaining a sponsorship from a very credible firm. Some of you may have heard of them actually, AMD Processors. Yeah, that's right. The second largest processor manufacturer in the world had given us the opportunity to represent them in e-sports. I was ecstatic, I literally had tears in my eyes because of the sheer excitement from such an awesome opportunity.
CURVE BALL + FUCK YOU
Shit started getting bad, like real bad. And I know now that honestly it really wasn't my fault, but damn did I beat myself up about it over and over, all day ERRRR day. I just wanted to help, that's all I wanted to do. I'm not a malicious person, I'm not an angry person, but she sure as shit brought out the "best" in me lol. She legitimately hated me, or that's what it felt like at least. No matter what I did, I just couldn't do anything right. And God forbid I ever brought up gaming, that'd start a fight in itself. Like how in the flying fuck does that make any sense at all? It's amazing that I had the desire to even keep playing through all of that bullshit, and while I have the respect to keep some details private, just know that it was probably one of the roughest spots I've been in in terms of a relationship.
And then everything changed.
I doubt I'll forget that day, that phone call, that conversation.
"Things just aren't working out.."
"Are you breaking up with me?" - Me.
"Yes, I'm sorry, I still love you"
"Ok" - Me.
"After two years, that's all you have to say? Ok?"
"What did you expect me to say to someone who just gave up on me after two years?" - Me.
And that was it. Just like that, everything I had worked on, everything I had tried my absolute hardest to fix, was thrown blindly out the fucking window. I was a fucking WRECK. I didn't want to do anything, I laid in bed and just asked myself "Why?" over and over. I literally blamed myself for everything. And honestly I think the hardest part was the fact that there wasn't a whole lot of closure, per se. Which is why I, in a weird way, see this as somewhat of a closure. Once you put everything down on paper, things change, it's easier to see the bigger picture. It still fucking sucked.
I started working on myself, continuing to improve all aspects of my life, and basically just doing anything to keep my mind off of everything. It's a lot easier to start working on yourself after you've worked on someone elses life day in and day out for an extended period of time.
I lost all of my confidence, I was so emotionally destroyed, I was mentally exhausted and for the first time in my life I was pretty sure that I had entered a legitimate state of depression. I dealt with it though, I'm too fucking stubborn to let that shit haunt me for too long.
I started streaming, and for those of you who don't know what that is, it's where you sit in front of a camera and play video games for the entertainment purposes of others. I think the weird part about all of this is that it really did boost my confidence again. I got used to dealing with all the people that were gracious enough to check out my channel, I got used to being an entertainer, and got used to being able to be myself in a world where societal acceptance isn't necessarily the easiest thing to accomplish. I loved it so much, I loved the ability to build a community and a fan base. I loved the ability to share my hobbies with the world, I just enjoyed it so damn much.
And then everything changed, again.
Remember that AMD sponsorship thingy? Well, things had changed. They didn't just want to be a logo on our website, they wanted to be an independent and exclusive sponsorship. And for those of you who have no idea what that means, that means that they want to pay us money to play video games for them. I could get into details about what the deal itself offers, but realistically the accomplishment was getting their in the first place, that's all I cared about at least.
It's such a joke that you have to experience complete opposite ends of the spectrum to understand the beauty of balance. One day I was getting dropped by a girl I was in love with, next thing I know I'm a representative of a prestigious gaming organization. It just goes to show you that hard works pays off, whatever the medium may be. Don't let people stop you from doing what you want to do. Do what makes you happy, because in the long run, that's the most important part.
So, now what?
My stream has over 5,000 individual unique views now, with a fan base building consistently every day. I have a personalized website, I'm attending professional gaming events with thousands of dollars up for grabs. I'm currently working on additional sponsorships(with the permission of AMD of course). I've parked myself in a community where I'm accepted for who I am. I'm idolized by gamers all around the world(my self-proclaimed #1 fan lives in Serbia). And above all else, I'm happy. I'm actually happy. The hardest part of writing this is that I told myself that I wouldn't write shit like that unless I meant it. And let me go ahead and reiterate, I'm happy as fuck. I couldn't ask to be in a better position. My stream is so important to me, and now it's the reason why I've been able to successfully network myself to potentially acquire positions in business development for some of the biggest gaming companies in the world. I actually am planning a trip to California after I graduate to do interviews with these companies, as well as continue to network myself. Guess gaming has it's benefits after all.
Lesson Learned.
Do what makes you happy, don't let anyone tell you can't do something.
Believe in yourself above all else.
Oh yeah, and I told you so.
